P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
