Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
