K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize