I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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