just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
