so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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