he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
