Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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