grandma shit on top of the toilet
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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