I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Randomize
