Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
