I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
