Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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