she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
