you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
