I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
they're like a gay fantastic four
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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