i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
