things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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