well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
