I need to stop coming to work sober
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
