Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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