I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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