sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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