I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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