Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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