Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
