Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
