My liver just broke up with me...
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
