I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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