he shaved USA in his pubs
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
