i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
