i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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