She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i was born a porn star she said
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
