But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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