i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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