one might say we're banned from that church
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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