I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
no, he came in my armpit
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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