I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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