there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
