it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
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