Apparently you make a good broom.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize