I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
