The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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