mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize
