I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize