at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
