With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guiltš
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I guess Iām only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to āMarilyn Monroeā and āJoe DiMaggioā in their condo
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