I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
