Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
