i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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