haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
