I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Randomize
