When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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