I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
