i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
