my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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