I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
