Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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