me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize