two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
