im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
