Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize