He uses pillows to masturbate.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
